How to cope with a break-up

What you are hurting about and grieving over is the potential that was there.  It’s very normal to grieve that.

You will go through a cycle of “If only I had…” and “If only he had…” followed by “We could have had this great thing together” and loop through those thoughts almost in order.  Take a step back and notice how your mind will go through these cycles and how one point almost automatically leads to the next which in turn leads to the next in a continual loop.  

Ways out of that cycle include:

• Challenging idealized memories of your ex.  They may have had a lot of positive qualities that you will miss but they also had some less-than-positive qualities.  It’s not necessary to ‘trash’ that person but rather to see all sides.

• Recognizing incompatibilities that were there and the things that you sacrificed for the sake of the relationship. 

Don’t spend too much time in a rumination cycle.  If you find yourself thinking that way, give yourself a few moments with the above techniques.  If it gets too long, attention shift to something else.  Distract yourself with an activity.  

Be Kind

Be kind to yourself.  Remind yourself that the grieving process is normal even though it sucks.  But don’t let it lead to self-blame or "I'll never love again" (or its cousin, “I don’t want to go through dating again”).  

Consider that pain is the twin of growth.  When you do a physical workout, there is some pain and also some growth.  For a business to grow there must be some pain (in the form of long hours, etc.)  Are there other metaphors that work for you?

During a lot of relationships, people concentrate on what they do - what they need to do, could have done or shouldn’t have done.  Every relationship gives people a role.  Now is a time you can concentrate on who you are outside of what you do and the roles you play.  Take a 360 view of yourself.  Your relationship likely touched on some aspects of yourself but not as much on others.  What are those other parts?

Become Active

Take care of yourself.  This means eating well, exercising.  Even pamper yourself

Re-connect with people you have not seen in a while.  Romantic relationships naturally meant that you spent a lot of time with your partner.  Now is the time to re-strengthen social connections.

Rebuild identity, including roles, routines, and future goals that are independent of your former partner.  Do things alone if that’s what it takes.  If you haven’t spent much time alone, learn how to enjoy that time for yourself with activities you value.

Know that sometimes it will feel like you are going through the motions.  Do it - or at least start it - anyway.  

If there are things that you did not do with your partner, you have a chance to do them now.  They could be specific things but they also could be non-specific.  Wish you were more assertive with your ex?  What are some ways you could practice being assertive in small ways with others right now.  

Also in terms of being active: don’t be active on social media.  Specifically, limit checking an ex's social media.

Write

Another key way of dealing with break-ups is to write.  (Some people like expressing out loud instead.) Here are some ideas:

• Write a narrative about what happened.  Avoid revisiting ‘what if’ scenarios and write about meaning.  What did the end of the relationship mean?  What did the relationship itself mean?  

• Split the page in two: On one side, write about your break-up and how you are feeling, including any painful emotions.  On the other side, write as if you were a compassionate friend writing the same story in a realistic, balanced, kind and mature way.

• Spend some time writing various future narratives.  Put yourself 1 year, 5 years in the future looking back on this relationship and its place in your life at that time.  Some possible future narratives will be gloomy.  That’s okay.  But also write other possible future narratives as well.

• Write what you learned in this relationship.  What learnings were new in this relationship compared to past relationships?  How did this relationship clarify what you're truly looking for in a partner?  How would you describe those learnings to someone else?

• What are you proud of in this relationship?  It could be how you were in the relationship or the parts of yourself that were brought forwards.  It could be how you ended it.  Pat yourself on the back for the parts you are proud of.